| Jokester: | A person who likes telling bad jokes. May be any gender. |
| Friend: | The jokester's friend. May be any gender. |
I-1-1
| SETTING: | Any location. |
| AT RISE: | JOKESTER and FRIEND are center stage. (Suggestion: Both are at a table having snacks and drinks. A fork is used as a prop.) |
(Sips coffee and puts it down) Seven dollars for this? Isn't it supposed to at least smell like hope before you taste the despair?
You're being dramatic. This is nothing compared to the really fancy stuff.
I'm afraid to ask.
Poop coffee.
(Stares a moment.) ...No.
(Excited) Yes! They feed the beans to cats. Or dogs. Or ferrets. Something furry and cute. Then it poops them out and (claps) BAM! Premium brew.
I-1-2
That is not remotely accurate. No one is drinking poop coffee.
Of course they are. They pay extra for the cute and fuzzy poop flavoring.
I can safely say that I'll never consume anything that's come out of anything's butt.
Hey, just like everything in life. Don't knock it till you try it.
There are plenty of things in life you should knock before you try them.
Name one.
Random mushrooms. If you don't know what it is, knock it, don't try it. Moose tipping. Antlers. Big antlers. Knock it, don't try it. Any artistic experience labeled "experimental." Just knock it. Don't try it. Knock, knock, knock.
(Brightens up.) Hey! That reminds me of a joke!
I-1-3
(Drops head into hands.) I walked straight into that, didn't I?
Come on. You'll like this one... Knock knock.
(Deadpan) No.
Come on! Just once. One joke. I promise it's good.
You promised that last time. I got “Boo who?” and you told me not to cry. I still haven’t forgiven you.
This one's new. Funnier. More... sophisticated.
Is it going to involve wordplay?
Absolutely.
(Sighs) Fine. Let’s get this over with.
I-1-4
(Perks up) Okay. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrup-
(Loudly, jumping in) MOO!
(Silence. Blinks.) You warned me. And yet I still fell into it.
It’s classic! The timing! The surprise! The...
It’s violence. Auditory violence.
Okay okay. One more. A better one. We’ll build to it. Let’s treat it like... a performance. A duet.
I-1-5
God help me. Fine.
You start.
I thought you were telling the joke?
But if you start with “Knock knock,” I can respond. It's a twist.
So you want me to set you up for your own joke?
Exactly! It's collaborative comedy.
This is your thing, a solo act.
No, no. This is a duet! A performance. You have to start. Give me the setup.
I’m not "setting up" anything. I don’t have a script in my head, Joker. My brain doesn't store this stuff.
I-1-6
Everyone knows one! It’s instinctual. Just think of a word. Anything.
(Absently picking up a utensil) Fork.
Fork? No. Fork that. You can’t use something you’re literally holding in your hand. That’s lazy. Think of something... distant.
(Glances down, deadpan) Table.
Seriously? You can navigate a three-hour board meeting without breaking a sweat, but you can’t think of a single noun that isn't right in front of your face?
(Setting the fork down with a sharp ‘clack’) I’m not like you. I don't walk around looking for the hidden punchline in everything. I just see a table.
(Softer, leaning in) Okay, okay. Let’s prime the pump. Use the alphabet. What starts with A?
Apple.
I-1-7
Too easy. B?
Banana.
Okay, let's try and get away from the produce section. C?
(A long pause. Looking out a window or at a photo on the wall) Canoe.
(Repeats it slowly, testing the weight) Canoe. Can-you. Wait. I think you’re actually onto something with that one. That’s a sleeper hit. Okay, now... give it to me. Knock knock.
(With a sigh that says "I can't believe I'm doing this") Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
I-1-8
(Grinning) Canoe... wait. No.
(Seizing the moment, leaning in) Canoe stop telling these jokes? Because I’m actually asking. Like, legally.
(Stunned silence. Then a slow, appreciative whistle.) You repurposed it. You weaponized the environment against me.
I feel dirty. I can feel my IQ dropping as we sit here.
No, no! This is growth. We’re evolving! Duet, remember? Comedy is timing and trust.
Then don’t betray that trust with another interrupting farm animal.
(Solemnly, hand over heart) No cows. I swear.
You do understand that your jokes aren't funny. They're terrible.
I-1-9
You're missing the point. It isn't about being funny. It's about seeing you smile.
Alright. (Both hands flat on table, preparing for the worst) Last one. Go.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes me... asking you to laugh.
(A long pause. Then... a small, unwilling chuckle.) God, that was terrible.
But you laughed.
I-1-10
I smirked. Out of pity.
Victory.
You're lucky you're charming in a deeply annoying way.
(Sincerely) Dishes true.
(Laughs) Fork you.