| Chuck: | A Chuck Norris fan. Name is only for identifying lines. May be any gender. |
| Bruce: | A Bruce Lee fan. Name is only for identifying lines. May be any gender. |
I-1-1
| SETTING: | A mall food court. |
| AT RISE: | CHUCK and BRUCE are sitting at a small table having drinks and snacks. |
Alright, I got a fresh one for you... Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups. He pushes the Earth down.
(pfft) Cute. But Bruce Lee once punched someone so fast, their soul arrived at the afterlife before their body even hit the ground.
(Short chuckle) You got a chuckle. I admit. (Thinks) When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on. He turns the dark off.
You've said that one before. Let me think... Lights. Sleep. I got one... Bruce Lee doesn’t sleep. He waits... and while he waits, he's roundhouse kicks people in their dreams.
I-1-2
You think that’s something? How about something simple? Chuck Norris counted to infinity... Twice.
Infinity? My man Bruce Lee once kicked infinity so hard it became finite. (Leans back, smugly) Top that, buddy.
Oh yeah? Chuck Norris can (smacks the table) slam a revolving door.
Slam a revolving... (beat) Oh, I get it. If you try to slam a revolving door it just spins. Sorry. I just got an image of Superman going around inside the door to change into costume.
Well, we've been at this for how long? Four years? I'm not sure how many more I've got.
Four? Exaggerate much? No. Two years of lunch breaks, loaded with facts.
Two years? Really? And I still haven't converted you into a Chuck Norris fan?
I-1-3
Hey now. I never said I'm not a fan. I just place Bruce Lee a full tier above Chuck Norris. Bruce is the gold. Chuck is the silver.
I know, I know. Bruce had skills, but Chuck has skills with machismo.
Who needs machismo when you have the confidence of a dragon.
And you have confidence?
At least I know what confidence is. What exactly is "machismo?"
It's... well... Chuck.
(Chuckles) Maybe that's why you're still single. Too much Chuck. Not enough confidence.
Hey. If I could find someone like Pat, I would... (looks around) I haven't seen Pat. You guys OK?
I-1-4
No. Irreconcilable differences.
What? You were perfect.
Picture this. I come home. I open the door. There, on the TV... Jackie Chan.
Jackie, what... Jackie Chan? But he's not even real.
I know! Bruce was a martial arts god. Chuck, world champion. Jackie? What is he even good for?
He does his own stunts.
I do my own stunts! I didn't hire someone else to fall down the stairs last year.
That still makes no sense. You have two steps in your house going in that tiny garage. Just two. Not three. Yet, you figure out how to fall down them and crack your collarbone.
I-1-5
Regardless, I did it. Me. You don't see me trying to pretend I'm a martial arts master on some TV show.
That's what we need. A martial arts masters TV show starring Chuck Norris and featuring Bruce Lee as "Little Dragon."
It would be "Martial," starring Bruce Lee with his American grasshopper, Chuck Norris.
"Martial" is good. I think that would work. Chuck Norris is the Texas Marshal.
An American karate cop? (thinks) Maybe.
Dead serious, I'm writing it up and I'm going to find a way to pitch it to someone.
Well, make a Bruce Lee reference and you've got one dedicated viewer here.
We need content though. We need some facts. Facts don't lie. Your turn. Give me a new one.
I-1-6
I have an idea. How's this... Bruce Lee can un-toast toast (raises a finger in a "wait for it" pose) and make it buttered again.
OK. You want to go there. (Thinks) Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs and (raises a finger) put them back in the shell.
(Laughs) You got me. OK. Let me try again... Bruce Lee can hear a mime scream (raises a finger) from five miles away. Honest. I saw it in a documentary.
(Laughs) I don't think I... Wait. (Composes himself) Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves (raises his finger, but laughs, causing BRUCE to laugh as well. Composed) ... blindfolded.
(Still giggling) Games huh? OK. Bruce Lee beat Rock, Paper, Scissors... with just a stare. The rocks crumbled. The paper folded itself. The scissors (BOTH laugh)... I don't know. The scissors just ran away.
(Still laughing) They know their place.
I-1-7
(Gaining composure) Okay, okay. Have I used this one? When Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, the laws of physics apologize to him, personally.
Yes, you did that last month and I came back with... Well when Bruce Lee blinks, time flinches and begs for mercy.
Alright. Fine. (Thinks) Did you... (Thinks again) Ah! Did you know Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer?
(pause) That’s actually... really good. That really is a new one?
Thanks. Just thought of it.
So... (Grinning slyly) You're saying that Chuck Norris cries.
Hah! You fell into my trap! (Leans in like telling a secret) The world doesn't have a cure for cancer because Chuck's never cried.
I-1-8
Yep, you got me. Totally trapped. You know what, though? Bruce Lee doesn’t need tears to cure cancer. He only has to give it (finger quotes) "the look" and cancer just packs its bags and leaves.
Fine! Did you (sees someone over BRUCE's shoulder)... Hey, is that Larry in line at Sbarro?
(Looks) Oh for crying out loud! I don't want to hear his Mr. T facts.
They aren't even good. (Mockingly) Mr. T pities the fool who can't see he needs more bacon.
What was that he said last time? Something like Mr. T pities the fool who thinks an airplane seatbelt will hold him back. And he's too scared to fly!
Seriously, all this Mr. T talk. He needs a life. Chuck Norris could easily beat Mr. T, blindfolded, with one hand tied behind his back, juggling chainsaws.
Only if Bruce Lee doesn't get to him first. (Holding up his pinky) One twitch of his finger and it is all but history.
I-1-9
Let's duck out before he sees us. I don't need another "I pity the fool" today.
We can go to the arcade and I will totally annihilate you in Karate Champ.
Hah! I might just let you win like Chuck Norris let Bruce Lee win that fight in "Way of the Dragon."
Oh, you are so going down.
I think he sees us. Let's split.